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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768057">somewhere in the forest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminare/pseuds/carminare'>carminare</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Mythology, Getting Together, M/M, a little bit of reincarnation thrown in there</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:07:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768057</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminare/pseuds/carminare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The forest is his life —has been his life for what he thinks are centuries—, and for the most part, Keiji doesn’t have to deal with people that often, he lives his days and nights in solitude, focusing all of his energy in keeping the forest flourishing.</p><p>But there’s someone out there now.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bokuaka Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>somewhere in the forest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For BokuAka Week 2020 Day 8: Magic/Mythology/Fantasy AU</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Keiji waits. He waits and he <em>watches</em>. Watching is his duty, it is what he was created for, and he doesn’t remember how long he’s been sitting there, in the heart of the forest, looking out for every living thing under his domain. His life is tethered to every bird, every lizard, every leaf, every worm. He’s responsible for their well-being and their growth. He has been for as long as he remembers and he remembers a lot. Keiji digs his fingers deeper into the earth and he can <em>feel</em> them. That’s how he watches over them, with every single one of his senses. His eyes take in the colors and time of day, his ears pick up the tiniest of sounds —for no sound is insignificant—, his nose records each blooming or dying scent, his skin sweats with the humidity and shivers with the cold breeze, his mouth tastes every nutrient consumed by the earth. And he doesn’t walk among the trees, he doesn’t get up from the place he has been assigned but he travels through each root, wandering every inch of the place he calls his home. He is aware of every new born, he guards over every blooming flower, he makes sure life develops as it should, he devotes himself to keep his forest alive and flourishing.</p><p>Keiji doesn’t think about his life before this —if there’s a <em>before</em> at all—. He’s busy all day, every day, and there isn’t much to think about, anyway. This forest is his life; has been his life for what he thinks are centuries now. Sometimes there’s glimpses of someone else’s touch, glimpses of laughter and joy and <em>noise</em>, so much noise, but they are brief and rare and Keiji doesn’t dwell on them. He fills his head with the white noise of the forest and keeps doing his job, day and night, as he has been doing all of this time.</p><p>Until one day he doesn’t.</p><p>There’s someone in the forest. Keiji sees people sometimes. He doesn’t interact with them because they can’t really see him. They <em>feel</em> him there, at least that’s what he thinks, and they leave gifts, flowers and food and sometimes songs sung by beautiful voices, songs about the earth, about battles won and battles lost, songs about life and death, about love and heartbreak —songs are his favorite gift— but Keiji’s only response is to keep protecting the forest. He knows that’s what the gifts are for, after all. There are some visitors that are less friendly and come to the forest looking for wood and animals, greedy men who seek land and power to feel better about themselves, so it’s Keiji’s job to drive them away, scaring them and hurting them if necessary. But for the most part, Keiji doesn’t have to deal with people that often, he lives his days and nights in solitude, focusing all of his energy in keeping the forest flourishing.</p><p>But there’s someone out there now. Keiji can feel them in the way they step on the leaves and the little bugs crawling around. He feels them in the way their skin brushes against the trees and in the way butterflies sit on top of them. He’s unsure at first if he should fear them, if he should throw them away as soon as possible but he figures out quickly that the forest <em>likes</em> them, which feels weird and unnatural. Even the kind people who bring offerings, even the people Keiji likes to have around, the forest seems to keep them at an arm’s length, which is wise, but this person seems to be an exception. Keiji still doesn’t know what they want, if they want anything at all, but he decides to ward his hideout a bit more, just in case. He erases the well-walked paths and moves bushes and trees, using more energy than he’s used in a long time, so that he feels safer and more hidden. But the stranger keeps moving around, getting closer.</p><p>Keiji’s heartbeat starts to pick up. There’s something familiar about the feeling; he knows he’s felt it before, before he was <em>more</em>. He thinks it’s fear. The stranger’s steps are light, they don’t walk normally, their feet touch the soil for just a second before they’re in the air again, and they’re touching the flowers and the trunks of the trees as they go. It makes Keiji shiver and he retreats even more into the earth. He makes a cave and stays hidden, hoping the stranger will get bored and leave. But Keiji knows the stranger is looking for him and that almost makes him want to get up and move locations but his body is stiff with panic and so all he can do is hide himself even more.</p><p>And then the stranger sings. The voice is a deep one, rough and proud, and it rises above the trees filling everything near it. It makes every cell of Keiji’s body feel alight and he doesn’t understand what’s happening, why this voice reaches him this way. Keiji likes songs but this one feels personal, it feels like something he should know. The stranger is not a good singer; the notes rise and crack but they are honest and earnest. It forces Keiji to restrain a smile. He can’t make sense of all of this and the closer the stranger gets the less time Keiji has to do something, anything. Maybe he’s safe in the cave but there’s no way of being sure. And still, he closes his eyes and listens more attentively, trying to catch every word and sound coming out of the stranger’s mouth.</p><p>Keiji knows the stranger’s close, he feels it, and he knows that the stranger knows it as well, where Keiji’s improvised hideout is. There’s no need for paths or directions, Keiji knows it very well. He’s sweating by the time the stranger reaches the cave, he doesn’t remember when was the last time he sweated out of nervousness, he thinks it might have been before he became what he is now. Keiji’s uncomfortable. The branches are swaying with the breeze and the animals are going through their usual routines but Keiji isn’t paying attention. All of his focus is aimed at the pair of feet getting closer and closer, steps still light and cheerful. He doesn’t need to <em>feel</em> with the earth anymore, he can hear the stranger crushing the leaves and twigs as he walks, but he keeps his fingers deep into the earth in case he needs to defend himself. Keiji’s sure he’s scared —if the rapid beating of his heart and the stickiness of his palms is any indication— but he doesn’t think the stranger means him harm. The forest is still intact and nothing around him seems to be scared. Nothing but Keiji. So, he holds onto the earth and waits, he waits until the stranger is outside and his silhouette is wrapped in the light of the sun.</p><p>“Hello?” the stranger calls out and Keiji hears him laugh at the way the sound bounces off of the walls of the cave.</p><p>His laugh makes Keiji shiver. Keiji knows he’s almost invisible in there, at the back of the cave where the sun can’t reach.</p><p>The stranger calls out again but Keiji doesn’t answer. The man is tall but Keiji doesn’t allow himself to look at his face. Instead, he watches intently at the stranger’s hands and feet as he starts to approach, fearful of a weapon or something that could hurt him and by doing so his forest. Under Keiji’s fingers, the earth starts shaking. Keiji watches as he stops, probably sensing Keiji’s there, and sits down as close to the edge of the shadows as he can. His weight pressing down the earth travels all the way to Keiji’s body and it feels surprisingly okay.</p><p>“I’m not gonna hurt you,” the stranger says, softer now that he is close. “You don’t have to hide.”</p><p>Keiji wants to doubt him, to be more careful, but something in his voice tells Keiji he is being honest. And still he stays quiet, waiting.</p><p>“Okay, let’s start with something simple!” the man says and if he’s at all discouraged by Keiji’s silence he doesn’t show it. “My name’s Koutarou! What’s yours?”</p><p>Keiji ponders at the excitement of his voice, at the way it fills the cave and at how the waves of it touch everything, Keiji included, and he realizes that he likes it, that he finds it beautiful. Something about that makes him feel hot and uncomfortable and Keiji doesn’t remember when was the last time he felt embarrassed. He decides that telling him his name isn’t gonna do much harm, so he opens his mouth and tries to speak but nothing but air comes out. Keiji frowns, clears his throat and tries again. Nothing. </p><p>“Do you need water? How long have you spent without talking? I saw a river nearby! I’ll bring you some water!”</p><p>Koutarou is out of the cave before Keiji can move a finger. His throat <em>is</em> dry and he <em>has</em> spent too much time in silence. He regrets not singing with the people that come visit, he regrets not talking to them, not <em>trying</em> to talk to them. He thinks maybe he should’ve verbally spoken to the forest more often. Maybe he can start now.</p><p>Keiji feels Koutarou run to the nearest river and is surprised by how fast he finds it, by how his steps don’t doubt. He moves around, sure and confident, picking things off the ground and doing things Keiji can’t feel but can guess, and then he dips his hand in the water. When he begins his way back, his steps are slow and careful and Keiji knows he’s trying not to spill the water. A small smile finds its way to Keiji’s face. Somewhere in the forest a flower starts blooming. Keiji doesn’t think about it.</p><p>“Here!” Koutarou exclaims entering the cave.</p><p>He sets the leaf cup at the edge of the shadows, careful of not invading Keiji`s space, and then takes a step back and sits down once more. Keiji looks at the water suspiciously but he inches forward and takes the cup anyway, making sure his face stays hidden. He lets a little bit of it drop to the earth, just to confirm that it’s nothing but clean water and the way Koutarou gasps indignantly makes him smile again. Keiji drinks. It’s fresh and cold and Keiji doesn’t know why he stopped drinking water. He sighs with content and can feel a few leaves sprout in the cave.</p><p>“Is your throat better?” Koutarou asks. He has been sitting there waiting patiently, although Keiji can see his knee bobbing. He wonders if this is the most he’s ever been sitting in a single place.</p><p>Keiji clears his throat and tries to speak again. “Yes,” he says and his voice sounds scratchy and low but it’s making a sound now. He guesses it would’ve been different if he were a human, it would’ve probably taken longer for his voice to come back.</p><p>“I can bring you more if you need me to!” Koutarou is already getting up.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Keiji manages and his voice sounds a little amused. </p><p>Koutarou sits back down. Keiji hasn’t looked at his face yet, he’s still on edge, still thinking this could be a trap. He’ll tell him his name so that he can leave, that’s what Keiji decides. His name, after all, covers the whole forest.</p><p>“My name’s Keiji,” he says and he doesn’t have to look at Koutarou to know that his expression is one of wonder. Keiji can basically <em>feel</em> the emotions coming from him, that’s how open with his feelings Koutarou is.</p><p>“Keiji!” Koutarou exclaims. “Is this your forest?”</p><p>“It is.” Keiji drinks some more water. “You’re the first person to ever see me.”</p><p>“Oh! Probably because I’m like you!”</p><p>“Like me?”</p><p>“Yeah! I’m also... <em>more</em>.”</p><p><em>That explains things</em>, Keiji thinks. It’s a simple and logical explanation and he should’ve guessed from the beginning but after all this time, he somehow has never met anyone like him. He can’t leave his forest for fear it might die and if every forest has someone taking care of it, he guesses those people have never left them either. So, how exactly is Koutarou here?</p><p>“What’s your domain?” Keiji settles on asking.</p><p>“Domain?” Koutarou asks back, and Keiji sees him tilting his head in confusion through his peripheral vision. <em>Like an owl</em>, Keiji thinks.</p><p>“What do you rule? A forest like me?”</p><p>“Oh! The sun!”</p><p>The sun? Keiji wants to look at his face and see if there’s a lie hidden in there somewhere but he’s afraid of looking away from Koutarou’s hands, so he doesn’t. It shouldn’t be a surprise that there are bigger domains but the sun? That sounds too overwhelming. Keiji’s used to it by now but at the beginning, when he was still getting used to having a system connected to something bigger, the sounds and smells of the forest, the taste of the earth and the <em>knowing</em> of everything happening in his forest was too much. It was the only time Keiji had to actually rest, taking short naps before trying again. He was not all powerful, he was not perfect, but he learned to distinguish every feeling that crawled up his skin. And Koutarou had to manage the sun? He could probably see and feel, well, everything.</p><p>“That’s how you found me,” Keiji says.</p><p>“Yeah! You’re sitting right under the sun!”</p><p>It’s true. His sacred spot is in the middle of the forest where a clearing opens up to the sky. Keiji lets what Koutarou said sink in. The fact that there was no way he could escape, that he couldn’t hide at all. It makes him a bit uneasy.</p><p>“Finding someone who was clearly trying to hide from you just because you can see where they are is very rude, Koutarou,” Keiji tells him.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Koutarou apologizes after a moment of silence and Keiji still isn’t looking at his face but he can hear the pout as he speaks. It’s cute. Something blooms inside of Keiji. Suddenly, Koutarou gets up. “Oh! I gotta go!”</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Keiji asks as calm as he can, trying to mask up the disappointment he feels.</p><p>“Yeah, but the sun is setting and I gotta move! The rest of the world needs me, you know?” He sounds proud and mighty and Keiji thinks he understands why. “I’ll come by tomorrow! Bye, Keiji!”</p><p>And just like that, he’s gone. He doesn’t allow Keiji to oppose to his upcoming visit, he doesn’t even allow Keiji to say goodbye, he just runs off and dissipates. All Keiji knows is that he can’t feel him anymore and that the forest is somehow too quiet now. He doesn’t let the cave down until the sun is fully gone, until the moon and the stars are shining up above and Koutarou’s light has completely faded. Then he stares at the sky. There’s a full moon that night and the stars seem to be shining brighter than usual. Keiji wonders if the night sky is ruled by the same being and if they’re also tasked with the ocean and its currents, or if it would be too much for just one being and so it has to be split. He wonders if Koutarou knows. </p><p>Koutarou is true to his word and shows up first thing in the morning, when the light is just starting to get through the dense leaves. Keiji has been waiting, not that he would ever admit to it, still sitting in the same spot. He covers himself with the cave again before the sun rises. There’s something too personal, too vulnerable, about letting others see him. He’s spent so much time being invisible, being nothing more than a presence, he doesn’t know how to let himself be seen anymore. Keiji doesn’t even know what he looks like, doesn’t remember what he looked like before this. So, he finds solace in the shadows of the cave and waits. </p><p>The first thing Keiji notices is the soft pressing of Koutarou’s feet on the earth, filled with care and tenderness. The second thing he notices is that Koutarou appeared at the edge of the forest and is now making his way towards Keiji at a slow but steady pace. Keiji can’t <em>see</em> him like he sees other things in his forest because he’s not connected to him but he feels everywhere his hands touch and feet step, he feels the vibrations of his laugh resonating through the trees. It makes Keiji feel light and giddy, his body filled with expectation. </p><p>When Koutarou appears at the entrance of the cave Keiji forces himself not to look at his face. He’s afraid of what he’ll find there, afraid of getting attached to him, so he looks down at his hands again. They’re big and restless, always moving and touching. </p><p>“Keiji, hi!” Koutarou yells and laughs again at the echo of his voice.</p><p>“Koutarou,” Keiji answers. “It’s awfully early, don’t you think?”</p><p>Koutarou sits again just at the edge of the shadows. It makes Keiji’s chest flutter a little, the fact that this impulsive and restless man is kind enough to respect Keiji’s boundaries. </p><p>“I wanted to see you!” Koutarou says and Keiji freaks out a little until Koutarou corrects himself. “Well, not <em>see you</em> see you, you know? But I really wanted to come.”</p><p>Keiji feels flattered and even though he wants to feel bad about it, he doesn’t; he just lets the feeling sit there and then disappear. There was a man, once, that used to visit Keiji’s forest. He used to bring seeds and plant them randomly all around the forest and he would talk while he did it. He’d tell stories to Keiji; stories about the world and about Keiji himself. The man called them <em>myths</em> and <em>legends</em>, and Keiji found them fascinating. One time, he sat in front of where Keiji was, almost like he could see him, and told him the stories always mentioned Keiji’s beauty, his beautiful curls and elegant eyes; he talked about Keiji the whole afternoon and then he left. The man came back a few times —always to tell stories, always to plant seeds—, until eventually he didn’t. That day had been the last time Keiji had felt flattered. Until Koutarou, of course. </p><p>“Thank you,” Keiji says and he’s thanking both Koutarou and the man with the stories. “How was the rest of the world?”</p><p>Koutarou talks excitedly, his hands moving around all over the place. He tells him of cities and deserts, of people and animals, of kindness and unkindness. There’s so much wonder in his voice, Keiji can almost see it pouring out of him and onto the earth, feeding it, nurturing it, until it reaches Keiji and starts filling him, too, making him dizzy and twitchy, making him feel like he wants to get up and run around to see the world. They talk for hours that feel like minutes to Keiji and when Koutarou says he has to leave, Keiji feels a bit sad. Koutarou promises to come back and he does.</p><p>He visits day after day, always starting at an edge and making his way slowly but excitedly towards Keiji. Koutarou’s transmits his energy to the forest, sharing his life with it, and that’s what makes Keiji so afraid and so attracted to him, how <em>alive</em> he is. Every part of him moving, every bit bright and youthful. Keiji remembers being almost absent, just present enough to register the forest, just alert enough to notice if someone stepped inside, but as time went by he felt himself fading. Now, however, he feels more alive than he’d ever felt. He feels excitement and joy. He feels awake. And when Koutarou steps into the cave, Keiji smiles.</p><p>“Keiji! I discovered a path filled with butterflies!” he says as he sits down, his voice as joyous as ever. “So many of them sat on top of me!”</p><p>“I’m aware,” Keiji says. The smile still isn’t leaving his face. Keiji doesn’t even want to think about it.</p><p>“Oh yeah! I forget you can see everything around here,” Koutarou says sheepishly. </p><p>“How does ruling the sun works? Do you see everything the light touches? Do you feel it? Hear it?”</p><p>“Yes to all of that.” Koutarou sounds proud. Keiji just feels overwhelmed on his regard. “I can keep it at the back of my mind now but it was very hard at the beginning.”</p><p>Koutarou tells him about the debilitating headaches, about the weeks it took him to become strong enough to spend one whole day awake, about not knowing how to keep his mood from being influenced by all the awful things he could see. But he also tells him about all the beautiful things he gets to experience, about the first time he saw the morning dew glistening with the first light of the day, about all the new places he got to visit, about all the happy things that happen throughout the whole world. He sounds sheepish when he tells him about all the time he has spent looking for people like them, knowing that he couldn’t be alone.</p><p>“I don’t think I would’ve been able to take it, you know?” Koutarou pauses. “I tried to talk to people but no one could see me. I could see all of them, <em>feel</em> all of them, so many people everywhere, but I felt like the loneliest person in the world.”</p><p>Keiji wants to touch him, wants to comfort him somehow, but he finds there are no words he could say that would make it better, so he hums in acknowledgement. Koutarou laughs a little. It sounds forced, fake. It generates a pang in Keiji’s chest; he thinks it might be hurt.</p><p>“At least animals can see me! I played with every animal I could. I once got chased by a lion that thought he could eat me and I ran because for a moment I thought the same thing!”</p><p>Koutarou’s laugh sounds more honest and Keiji smiles in return, even if Koutarou can’t see him. He keeps telling him stories and Keiji tells him some in return.</p><p>As the days go by, he learns that there are more like them out there and that Koutarou has become friends with some of them. This last part doesn’t surprise him, not when Koutarou talks with his whole body, not when he whispers while telling him a secret as if anyone else could hear them, not when he laughs until he’s crying remembering an embarrassing thing he witnessed through a window, not when Keiji’s stomach is turning and his skin prickles and his heartbeat picks up and every part of him is telling him Koutarou is probably the most beautiful thing Keiji has ever had the pleasure of meeting. </p><p>As the days go by, the feeling that something’s missing starts growing and growing inside of him. With every step Koutarou takes, with every word, every laugh, every brush of his fingers on the earth, Keiji’s certainty that he’s forgetting something grows. It threatens with breaking him. He can feel himself slipping sometimes, his focus shifting inside of him, his grip on his surroundings weakening. But Keiji keeps it under control, he holds the earth between his fingers and feels its movement, feels the wind moving through the trees; he forces himself to focus once more and he manages to regain control. Until one day he doesn’t.</p><p>Koutarou gets there early, as he always does, and Keiji feels his chest flutter as soon as his feet touch the ground. The need of going to him, of walking beside him and show him everything, is there and it makes a soft, pink blush appear on his face. Koutarou hasn’t seem to notice all of the flowers that Keiji has been growing unconsciously lately. They sprout in the path he walks and next to the trees he touches. Keiji tried to stop it as soon as he noticed it but it proved to be fruitless.</p><p>Keiji’s trying to calm his heart when Koutarou enters the cave. Without knowing why, for the first time since they’ve met, Keiji looks up to see his face but he only catches a golden eye before he remembers to beware of an attack. The eye is intense and bright and as lively as Koutarou’s movements. It makes Keiji want to throw up. His gaze goes down to Koutarou’s hands immediately, looking for weapons, but he only finds flowers. It’s a self made bouquet, at least it looks like one, like Koutarou picked flower after flower as he walked. Keiji freaks out at the thought of not feeling someone taking life from his forest, from <em>himself</em>.</p><p>“For you!” Koutarou says excitedly as he puts the bouquet down and then quickly adds, “They’re not from your forest! I picked them at a field not too far from here!”</p><p>Keiji exhales slowly. Of course they were not from his forest. He would’ve noticed if they were, wouldn’t he? Koutarou is not having such influence of him as to neglect the most important thing in his life. And still that golden color sticks in his mind.</p><p>“Thank you,” Keiji manages to say as he picks up the flowers. “You didn’t have to.”</p><p>His eyes glance back up without him meaning to and he manages to see a bit of Koutarou’s skin where his kimono opens at his chest. It strikes him first that Koutarou’s kimono is very disheveled, like he hasn’t thought of fixing it for a while, and it occurs to him as a second thought that he’s staring at the white skin and that his mouth is dry. His heart is beating loudly and he keeps having flashes of golden eyes. Koutarou doesn’t seem to notice. Keiji tries to breathe and calm down.</p><p>“Your forest is beautiful! Did you grow new flowers? I noticed some by my feet while I was coming here.” Koutarou’s voice is tender and it sends Keiji’s breathing out of control again.  </p><p>The amount of heat in Keiji’s face is new and it brings back memories of being teased by someone he loved before, memories of fondness and laughter. He’s thankful the shadows are deep and dense and that the blush and sudden tears coming down his face are hidden by them. There’s a lump in his throat and a weight in his chest he doesn’t understand, it makes him want to lie on the floor and cry. A small sob comes out of Keiji and he hates himself for it. He’s not weak, he’s not vulnerable, he’s <em>more</em>, Keiji is <em>more</em> and a memory shouldn’t get him like this. </p><p>“Keiji?” Koutarou asks and his voice is filled with worry and Keiji wants him to stop. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” he lies. “Today’s just not a good day.”</p><p>Keiji’s voice is quivering and he takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Koutarou doesn’t comment on it and Keiji is thankful for it.</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” The sincerity in his voice makes Keiji’s tears flow harder and Keiji hates it. Hates what Koutarou makes him feel. Hates that he feels at all.</p><p>“Please leave,” Keiji tells him and it’s harder than he would’ve thought to get the words out. They have to fight the lump in his throat and use the little air his lungs have left, but they are out and Keiji regrets them as soon as he speaks. He doesn’t take them back.</p><p>“Of course,” Koutarou says, disappointed, sad. “I’ll be back. To check on you.”</p><p>And then he’s gone. For the first time in centuries, Keiji lies down on the soil and cries until he has no more tears left to cry. There’s a hole in his chest the size of a life and he’s still not sure how Koutarou fits into it but Keiji knows he does. Something is withering in the forest and Keiji tries to pretend he doesn’t know it’s the flowers that bloomed earlier at Koutarou’s feet. There’s an unsettling feeling all around but Keiji pretends he doesn’t notice. The forest won’t die just because he doesn’t pay attention to it for a bit, so Keiji pretends he’s a normal human and allows himself to mourn a life he barely remembers. He mourns voices and images that come in snippets, teasers of a full, complex picture Keiji has yet to decipher, and he lets himself feel something else than the earth beneath him.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he stays there, his tears wetting the ground. The wind sings as it passes through the trees, songs that sound somewhat familiar, and Keiji wants to think it’s trying to cheer him up. He’s in no rush to figure out what his connection to Koutarou is but he knows that he should, that it’s important somehow. And even if there’s no connection at all, Koutarou might remind him of someone and Keiji wants to know who. He wonders if Koutarou knows something, wonders if he’s better at remembering, if he’s better at piecing things together. He wonders if the memories tear him apart like they do Keiji, wonders if he keeps himself busy to not think about them or if he allows himself that moment of silence, if he already mourned his life like Keiji is mourning his right now. Keiji wonders if he’s all alone. </p><p>Eventually, he gets up. </p><p>His muscles scream when he sits back up. Walking around the forest used to be a source of joy for him, it was fun and everytime he found something new. Keiji doesn’t know why he ever stopped but eventually he did, exploring the paths only through his connection with the earth. Now his body is stiff and weak. When he feels a bit more comfortable, he sinks his fingers into the soil and closes his eyes. There’s a tingling feeling crawling up his arms and pooling in his chest; it’s warm and cheerful, like a celebration. Keiji smiles and tries to return the sentiment. It’s a comfort, really, that the forest is always there waiting, that the forest knows him just like he knows it, that they are there for each other. Keiji might feel a bit lonely but he’s not alone and that by itself makes him feel better.</p><p>From what he can gather, it’s been a couple of days since Koutarou last visited. Time is harder for Keiji now than it was before. Faster and slower all at once; more like a circle than a line. Days go by without him noticing and yet he’s aware of how much there is ahead. Judging by the growth of some of the flora and the richness of the soils, he knows it rained a few times. He’s glad. The sun was burning some of the leaves at the top of the trees and the heat was making some of the animals weak and sickly but the forest feels good. Keiji feels good. He breathes in deep and takes in the smell of petrichor and he lets it fill him completely.  Maybe it’s time to take a walk.</p><p>He gets up slowly and carefully, and wobbles around for a bit before he can find his footing. Keiji has felt deers being born and try to walk on their unsteady legs. He never thought he’d experience it first hand. The cave is tall enough for him not to worry about hitting his head but he still hunches, arms out, trying to maintain his balance. The little side steps he takes look like a dance and he laughs loudly at the image, there are tears running down his face when he reaches the wall. He feels afraid and excited. He holds onto the wall for dear life. There’s a tingling in his legs he hasn’t felt in centuries and the rock of the cave feels warm in his hands. Keiji waits a few minutes until his legs stop tingling and then he starts taking small steps forward.</p><p>It’s weird to think that his body suffers from atrophy and other afflictions, considering he’s not human anymore —the speed to which his body recuperates is a clear indication of that— and yet he needs to take breaks every few steps to rest. The process is slow but eventually he makes it to the entrance of the cave. There are some flowers laying there and two leaf cups of water, as well as some sweets Koutarou probably got from a store somewhere. It makes Keiji feel warm and bright. He drinks the water and eats the sweets; the sugar tingles in his tongue and flutters in his chest. A light shower is falling from the sky and Keiji extends his right hand to feel the drops fall onto it. He has felt the rain before but at some point he stopped registering it and decided to feel it only in the waves of the river and the splashing of the earth, like a ghost touch that doesn’t linger. So, he focuses on the way it hits his skin and feels its coldness and wetness like it’s the first time. There’s a smile sitting on his face that he doesn’t know how to control.</p><p>It takes him a few minutes to gather enough courage to let go of the cave’s wall and take a step forward, but when he does he wonders why he ever stopped. The soil is soft and wet and cold and Keiji laughs as the rain hits his face. He starts walking around taking in as much as he can, touching everything in his path. Some animals come to see him, curious perhaps, and Keiji pets them all. He thinks he’s making flowers bloom somewhere but there’s so much joy living inside of him he wouldn’t be able to stop it even if he wanted to. His feet are still connected to the forest and so he’s aware of where everything is. He moves swiftly around the trees and bushes and once his legs feel strong again, he dances and runs in circles, trying to share his delight with the rest of his domain. Keiji doesn’t know how long he does this, how much time it takes him to walk the entire place, but a few sun rays are hitting his face and he wonders for a moment if Koutarou can see him, if he’s been able to see him all this time. </p><p>Until he spins around suddenly and Koutarou is there.</p><p>There’s water running down Koutarou’s face and <em>oh, his face</em>. Keiji knows he has seen it before because there’s a pang of melancholy in his chest and that’s a face he shouldn’t be able to forget anyway. Koutarou’s hair is two colored, black and white, and it falls down, wet and soft, over his forehead. His eyes are big and golden and staring at Keiji like he knows something, like he’s finally found something he’s been looking for his whole life. His lips fall open in surprise, too, and then he smiles, wide and bright and that’s when something in Keiji snaps.</p><p>Small images run through his mind as he sees Koutarou smile. There are arms hugging him and lips kissing him and laughter all around him. There are meals shared together and meaningless fights. There’s the warmth at night and the pleasure that comes from being one. There’s his name being called over and over again in an exaggerated way, different every single time it’s pronounced. There’s a name in his tongue that he has called over and over again and although it always sounds the same, he knows he means it differently every single time. And there’s his face.</p><p>“Bokuto-san,” Keiji says softly, tears leaving his eyes.</p><p>“‘kaashi,” Koutarou says and Keiji sobs at the sound of it.</p><p>Those are names that aren’t part of who they are anymore, names they left behind when they surrendered to the world, names of families that don’t exist anymore, not to them, anyway. They mean nothing and yet, in that moment, they mean everything to Keiji. He rests his forehead on Koutarou’s chest and cries. Koutarou’s hands caress his back and the touch is so familiar, so carved onto Keiji’s body, it makes him feel like home. He thinks Koutarou is repeating his name, over and over again, tasting it in his tongue, giving it meaning by speaking it outloud, but the sounds of his many lives, <em>their</em> many lives, are overwhelming him again. The river’s overflowing, some hills and caves are collapsing, flowers bloom and wilt within seconds, animals are running around. Keiji needs to calm down. </p><p>So, he focuses on the hands drawing circles on his back. Focuses on the rough voice calling his name. Focuses on the warmth emanating from the body in front of him. Focuses on the good memories. He remembers one of the first times he kissed Koutarou, the books between them, the knowledge that they were supposed to be doing something important, the moment they realized they both wanted each other, the split second in which Keiji weights the pros and cons of kissing his best friend, the fluttering in his chest when he understands that there’s no way he can stop it from happening. He remembers the way his hands used to touch Koutarou, soft but firmly, like sculpting every single one of his muscles, with his fingertips first, trying it out, and then with his palm, committing every curve and edge to memory.</p><p>Keiji raises his hands and touches Koutarou for what feels like the first time in centuries and he feels himself shiver at the sensation, feels Koutarou shiver under his fingers. He lifts his head and looks at Koutarou, who’s being so patient with him, even though patience doesn’t come easy to him —Keiji knows this as he knows his heart beats in time with the breath of the forest—, who’s looking at him tenderly. Keiji smiles and cups his face and leans in slowly until their foreheads are touching. There are still tears in his eyes but he’s better now. The river has stopped overflowing.</p><p>“I’ve been looking for you for so long,” Koutarou says and if it were someone else his tone would’ve been accusatory but Koutarou just sounds relieved.</p><p>“Thank you for never stopping,” Keiji whispers. </p><p>“I promised, didn’t I?” Koutarou kisses his cheek and then he leans back and scratches the back of his head. “Can we go to a clearing? The trees are too dense here, it’s hard to make it through.”</p><p>“Oh.” Keiji looks around and realizes that it’s true, the trees are tall in this part of the forest and they grow close together, letting barely any light through. He takes Koutarou’s hand. “Come on.”</p><p>They walk slowly in silence. Keiji wants to ask so many things but he guesses it’s best to wait until they are comfortable. He keeps them on paths where the sun is stronger until the foliage starts thinning. There are flowers growing under his feet but he’s too happy to feel ashamed. Koutarou talks to the animals they come across and touches everything with his free hand. Keiji wonders if he’s aware that he’s touching Keiji as he does; doesn’t know if he’d like it better to be on purpose or on accident. He blushes all the same.</p><p>The clearing is wide and beautiful and while there are still rain clouds above, the sun shines through more easily. Keiji looks at Koutarou and finds him more solid and brighter. He sits down with his back against a tree and Koutarou plops down on the floor, resting his head on Keiji’s lap. It seems so casual, Keiji just buries one hand in Koutarou’s hair and rests the other on his chest. Koutarou sighs happily as he closes his eyes. Keiji feels a bit bad about ruining the moment but he has questions that need to be answered.</p><p>“When did you remember?” he asks softly, a bit afraid.</p><p>Koutarou hums. “A few decades after I woke up. I knew there was something missing, something from my past that I wasn’t remembering correctly. At first I thought I had forgotten someone but I remembered you. I remembered who we were but only in pieces of our lives together. </p><p>“The most...,” he pauses for a second, “...recent one?” </p><p>It isn’t exactly the most recent for them. They feel them all at once, all of them happening at the same time, but there is one that is clearer, stronger than the rest, so Keiji guesses that’s the closest one in time to them right now.</p><p>Koutarou understands anyway and hums again. “I hadn’t remembered what had happened to us. What made us like this.”</p><p>Keiji stays quiet, thinking of his next words, pondering if they’ll be too truthful, too honest. He scratches Koutarou’s scalp softly and enjoys the way he sighs in content. The sun is raining down on both of them and the heat on his skin feels good, the hair between his fingers feel good, the weight of Koutarou’s head on his lap feels good. He looks down and sees Koutarou looking at him with tender eyes. There’s love in there and adoration and Keiji can only hope that his eyes convey at least a fragment of what he feels in that moment. Keiji smiles at him and touches his face with his fingertips, committing it to memory once more. He should just say it. He sighs.</p><p>“I didn’t want to remember,” Keiji admits. Koutarou’s face doesn’t change except for a glint of confusion, so he continues. “When I woke up like this, I didn’t want to remember. I don’t think I was trying to forget you but I think I was too afraid of remembering the bad parts, the pain and the suffering. I believe I forgot you by accident. I’m sorry.”</p><p>He says those last words in a whisper and with as much intention as he can. His eyes are closed now so can’t see the expression decorating Koutarou’s face; he doesn’t think he could stand it if it was one of betrayal, of hurt. It’s an irrational thought, that Koutarou would react that way, but it still fills his head and makes it hard to think of anything else. And when Keiji is drowning, when he’s feeling dizzy and sick, there’s a hand on his cheek, warm and loving, touching him tenderly, asking him to open his eyes and look. Keiji does. What he finds is Koutarou’s face in front of him, adorned with sweet, golden eyes and a small smile. <em>I understand</em>, it seems to say, . Keiji can’t do anything else but kiss him. </p><p>He takes Koutarou’s face with both hands and crashes their lips together, sighing into the kiss. There are memories of all the times he’s done this, of every kiss they’ve shared —the nervous first kisses, the soft morning kisses, the tender kisses while cuddling, the heated and open mouthed kisses at night, the small and casual pecks—, Keiji remembers them all and knows that this feeling shouldn’t be new, that he should know how Koutarou’s lips taste and move, how soft they are, how eager and full of warmth, but he finds himself shivering, drinking him in like it’s the first time he’s tasted water. Keiji finds himself realizing that he could never get used to kissing Koutarou.</p><p>There’s something in the way his touch makes Keiji’s whole body shiver, something in the way he tilts his head, something in the way his fingers dance along the curls at Keiji’s nape, something about his breath mingling with Keiji’s, something about the way his jaw feels under Keiji’s palm, something about how he smells like warmth and light, something about the way he puts it all into the kiss, that makes Keiji feel at home. It’s easy to let his hands wander Koutarou’s body, feeling every curve and edge. He has memorized it so many times before but he pretends he’s doing it again, carefully and tenderly. Koutarou melts in his hands and Keiji has never felt more alive than when Koutarou’s calling his name.</p><p>Time passes quickly for them, too quickly for Keiji’s liking. They’re lying naked on the grass, their limbs tangled with each other, and the sun is about to disappear behind the horizon. The goodbye is coming soon but Keiji feels calm. There’s warmth flowing inside of him and it stirs every time Koutarou touches his skin. </p><p>“By the way,” Keiji says and places a kiss on Koutarou’s cheek before continuing, “stealing is bad but I really liked those chocolates.”</p><p>Koutarou smiles so widely Keiji feels a smaller version of it sit on his own face, it’s almost impossible not to smile back at him, it’s something he knows every version of him has trouble with. He’s okay with it. Koutarou kisses him.</p><p>He feels himself growing and getting stronger, he finds himself feeling more rooted and connected to the earth than ever before. And he knows that even if Koutarou dissipates with the moon, he’ll be back tomorrow because the sun always does and there’s no way the earth can flourish without it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome!<br/>You can find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/keijiis">twitter</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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